May 8: Jeff got out of bed and is suddenly in a lot of pain in his back.
           I kick two people out of my class and have to call the police.

May 15: Jeff goes to the emergency room because of his back. On a scale of 1 - 10 in pain he is a 12.

May 19: We go to his GP and he refers us for an MRI and to a neurosurgeon.

May 20: The MRI shows a rupture of his L5 disk and that it is protruding up his spine.

May 21: Jeff has emergency back surgery. There is a spinal tear and he is flat on his back for two days to avoid a spinal headache.

May 22 on: A whole lotta stress. House guest. Additional responsibility because of Jeff being able to do minimal activity.

I tried to run on Saturday and I couldn't. Either my brain got to me and I couldn't push through it, or it's a good thing i stopped because my legs were in a lot of pain. I tried to run again yesterday and my legs throbbed again. Now i'm so afraid that I am giving up, which is something I am trying to stop doing. Giving up giving up.

Still no smoking. Running has been getting easier each time; little or no shin splints, no sucking wind, and i have been learning how to have will power, with both quitting smoking AND running: the discipline to go on even when it hurts, even when your brain tells you "C'mon, just walk awhile..."

I quit smoking the day I began training for the Portland Marathon. That was the day of Amelia's Birthday party, April 26th. I had a cigarette on my way to run 7 miles at 7:35 on a beautiful spring morning. Haven't touched a cigarette since. That first run was so painful. I felt like my lungs were starving, which they were. Starving for air. It just became so clear to me. The choice is run or smoke, you can't have both. I chose run.

I'm using the patch, which is helping with the nicotine withdrawal. The smoking patterns I have been breaking all on my own, with sheer will power (didn't know i had any - how cool to see that i do). Sometimes I still want a cigarette, like after a tough class, or after I eat. But I can make it through it, and I haven't been seriously tempted at all. There have been very brief periods of me wanting to kill someone (the nicotine cravings - you ex-smokers out there will understand what I'm talking about). But they don't last and I make it through it. I wouldn't start this process over for the world. I will never touch another cigarette again. I can say that with cofidence. Because now, I am a runner. Runners don't smoke. Smokers don't run. Not successfully. And I'm ready to run successfully.

Running takes strength, cardiovascular health, and patience. A lot of patience. I have the strength, I am getting the cardio, and I am working on the patience.

I am going to run a marathon in October. I'm ready to see what this body can do.

For the first time in my life it snowed on Christmas. Here is a picture to prove it!

I taught Audrey how to play poker yesterday. today she beat me. i taught her too well! she is a quick learner. she listens well and has a natural talent. i am looking forward to the professional poker circuit for her. she is sooooo happy that she won. i have been playing for 4 years and am very "good" according to Audrey, so the fact that she beat me thrills her to death. i am very proud of her and don't even mind that i lost. she deserved the win.

I managed to pull it off. This last year I have worked hard to create friendships and strengthen/revive old ones. I realized last Christmas that I didn't have anyone but my family around. And my family is wonderful, but I  need more. And that was painfully obvious last Christmas. Christmas Day I spent in tears, barely managed to hold them back while the kids opened presents and Amelia was quickly whisked back to James' (her dad's) after barely playing with her presents. It was a tough day. I didn't have my kids Christmas morning. And what is Christmas morning without your kids? I was depressed. Probably was going to be depressed no matter what, and Christmas just happened to trigger it. But nonetheless, I was depressed. Very.
So I guess it kicked my ass in gear. My "rock bottom" so to speak.
This year I had people, friends and family, around me on Christmas. I got to spend it with wonderful people who I love and cherish. And it was much more complete: I got Amelia Christmas morning, which helped immensely in my wonderful mood. Then we got Audrey at noon, and Amelia got to watch Audrey open up her presents, and they both opened Santa gifts. (In my house, Santa brings the following: stockings, 2 presents, and "house presents". I don't believe in giving Santa credit for all my hard work that I spend meditating on what it is my children want for Christmas). I pick out each gift with excitement, joy, thoughtfulness, and care. I LOVE to watch my children open their gifts! And I got to purely enjoy that this year. Not a tear in sight.
And I paced myself and was careful not to "crash".
Last night we went to my dear friends Nikki's house for a purely amazing dinner and evening. It was festive and I got to meet new friends. I am just continually adding to my stock of friends! It is wonderful. God that sounds like I just want to have friends so I can have notches in my belt, but that is not the case. Every friend is special, unique, precious, and different. It's just that I have reached a point in my life where I have the emotional capacity for multipile friends. In the past, I just had the capacity for one or two friends. I gave so much that I had nothing left for others. I have learned to tone it down a bit, though I think I am just as there for friends  and family now as I've ever been, I'm just not codependent and I have more of a capacity to love more people. It is soooo cool, as I've reached my 33rd year on this earth, that I seem to be coming to a good, strong, healthy and freeing place in my life.

As I mentioned in another entry, I get sad at the holidays and have lost my love for this time of year and I'm trying to get it back.

It wasn't always this way.

When I was growing up I loved this time of year. Thanksgiving meant great food, family and good times. It was my favorite holiday, even above Christmas. My mother hated Christmas but somehow she didn't let that affect how we felt about the holiday or how we experienced Christmas. We still did it up with a Christmas tree and lots of presents. She was just a "scrooge", but I think deep down she loved giving us presents. She was the one who shopped for all of our gifts; my dad was not very much involved in pulling Christmas off. Christmas wouldn't have been as wonderful without my mother, as ironic as that was considering her feelings about the holiday. She thought that Christmas was a bunch of commercialism bullshit - she was and is a self-described socialist/communist and hated anything commercial. She also is not a religious person so the Jesus factor just annoyed her more.

I can remember how I was always so excited for Christmas morning. Even as a young adult there was still magic to the whole thing. I'd get up early, wake my parents up, drag them out of bed, maybe get some cocoa, and go open presents. Presents first, then stockings. The stockings may have been my favorite part, even though my practical mother often stuffed our stockings with things like deoderant and razors. There was just something so fun about unpacking the stocking.

When I was really little, like when my grandfather was still alive, I remember going to my grandparents house on Christmas Eve. We would have dry turkey and all the fixins. My mother made the best mashed potatoes, full of butter (this is before she started making them all healthy and full of YOGURT). We would open presents and then go home, where my parents got busy on wrapping presents (I don't remember ever believing in Santa) and we were sent to bed.

When my grandfather died things got weird with my grandmother. In plain terms, she turned into a bitch. I actually think she was always a bitch, but my grandfather was so wonderful that he buffered her bitchiness. We stopped going there for Christmas Eve but I can't remember what we did instead.