The Portland Marathon came and went and they had one less runner. I trained briefly for the Marathon (reported earlier in this blog, see May 2008) by giving up smoking and beginning to run 10-15 miles a week, sometimes more, increasing every week. The longest run I ever completed was 7.5 miles, and shortly thereafter I quit. It was after Jeff's surgery on May 21 that I lost all focus on myself, my health, my needs. I stopped taking care of myself. I was obsessed with Jeff's health and well-being. Jeff told me many times to not worry about him, to focus on taking care of myself, pointing out the truth that I can't take care of him or our kids if I'm not taking care of myself. At least not very well.
So the Marathon happened on October 4, 2008, and the day was bittersweet. I was envious of two people I know who were running that day. I was also happy for them. But mostly envious, jealous even. Why were they able to complete the goal and I wasn't? Of course my mind goes to a negative place: feeling like it's because I don't complete things that I start and that I'm lazy. Neither are helpful thoughts. But that's where my mind goes, unfortunately.
The latter half of 2008 has SUCKED. I often wondered how could things possibly get worse? And I don't want to go into the gritty details, but suffice it to say many unfortunate things were happening simultaneously, and sadly that has not stopped. Jeff's back continues to have troubles; he has a lot of scar tissue that has formed on his back that is now putting too much pressure on his sciatic nerve, just as the disc did before surgery. He has what is called "Failed Back Surgery". Doesn't need a lot of explaining. He now is having steroid injections to reduce the swelling and to hopefully decrease permanently the scar tissue. But there is about a 60% chance that this will work. If it doesn't work we may be looking at surgery again. Which is scary, and also brings up financial concerns. Jeff has no more sick time or vacation time, so how would we afford to live if he was out of work for an extended period of time? How would we keep this house? Short term disability, assuming he would be approved, would only cover 60% of his salary. So that is scary. But one can not control what one does not have control of. Brilliant huh? All we can do is continue plugging away, dealing with things as they come, and hope that all will be okay.

I quit running, took up smoking. quit running sometime in june, took up smoking in july. as of sep 2 i am quitting. instead of running i am going to the gym 3 days a week to begin with.
oy vey. not proud of these returning habits. and i hope to change them and begin new, healthy habits. i feel like shit physically, and that just fucks with my mind. makes me depressed. moody. irritable. excercising and taking care of myself make me feel good. when will i get this through my head and live accordiningly?
update on jeff:
he is doing really well, with a few bad days here and there. but the threat of another surgery seems to have been averted (knock on wood!).
so, in summary, no more marathon (discovered i didn't particularly like running, and don't believe it's good for the body long-term), lots of cigarettes, quitting september 2, taking up the gym again.
wish me luck, someone.

May 8: Jeff got out of bed and is suddenly in a lot of pain in his back.
           I kick two people out of my class and have to call the police.

May 15: Jeff goes to the emergency room because of his back. On a scale of 1 - 10 in pain he is a 12.

May 19: We go to his GP and he refers us for an MRI and to a neurosurgeon.

May 20: The MRI shows a rupture of his L5 disk and that it is protruding up his spine.

May 21: Jeff has emergency back surgery. There is a spinal tear and he is flat on his back for two days to avoid a spinal headache.

May 22 on: A whole lotta stress. House guest. Additional responsibility because of Jeff being able to do minimal activity.

I tried to run on Saturday and I couldn't. Either my brain got to me and I couldn't push through it, or it's a good thing i stopped because my legs were in a lot of pain. I tried to run again yesterday and my legs throbbed again. Now i'm so afraid that I am giving up, which is something I am trying to stop doing. Giving up giving up.

Still no smoking. Running has been getting easier each time; little or no shin splints, no sucking wind, and i have been learning how to have will power, with both quitting smoking AND running: the discipline to go on even when it hurts, even when your brain tells you "C'mon, just walk awhile..."

I quit smoking the day I began training for the Portland Marathon. That was the day of Amelia's Birthday party, April 26th. I had a cigarette on my way to run 7 miles at 7:35 on a beautiful spring morning. Haven't touched a cigarette since. That first run was so painful. I felt like my lungs were starving, which they were. Starving for air. It just became so clear to me. The choice is run or smoke, you can't have both. I chose run.

I'm using the patch, which is helping with the nicotine withdrawal. The smoking patterns I have been breaking all on my own, with sheer will power (didn't know i had any - how cool to see that i do). Sometimes I still want a cigarette, like after a tough class, or after I eat. But I can make it through it, and I haven't been seriously tempted at all. There have been very brief periods of me wanting to kill someone (the nicotine cravings - you ex-smokers out there will understand what I'm talking about). But they don't last and I make it through it. I wouldn't start this process over for the world. I will never touch another cigarette again. I can say that with cofidence. Because now, I am a runner. Runners don't smoke. Smokers don't run. Not successfully. And I'm ready to run successfully.

Running takes strength, cardiovascular health, and patience. A lot of patience. I have the strength, I am getting the cardio, and I am working on the patience.

I am going to run a marathon in October. I'm ready to see what this body can do.

For the first time in my life it snowed on Christmas. Here is a picture to prove it!

I taught Audrey how to play poker yesterday. today she beat me. i taught her too well! she is a quick learner. she listens well and has a natural talent. i am looking forward to the professional poker circuit for her. she is sooooo happy that she won. i have been playing for 4 years and am very "good" according to Audrey, so the fact that she beat me thrills her to death. i am very proud of her and don't even mind that i lost. she deserved the win.