It is Thanksgiving and I am NOT sad. I am very, very happy.

I admit it. I am one of them. You know, one of the people that gets depressed around the holidays. Especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is an interesting combo - I get depressed this time of year, yet I still love Christmas and Thanksgiving. I love the food, the family, presents, giving and yes, receiving. So it makes no sense that every year at this time I find myself feeling especially sad and melancholy.
When I was a child Thanksgiving meant the following: cleaning your house, sitting at the table with your family and large extended family,and food. Food food food.
Christmas meant very similar things, and the lovely addition of presents.
We stopped having those large family Thanksgivings and Christmas dinners when my parents divorced when I was about 22. For years we all floundered about, unsure of what to do at Thanksgiving and Christmas. No longer going to Castle Rock to see the cousins, what do we do now? Some of us still don't know what to do at this time of year, and I may be one of them.
Now I am grown up, with a family of my own. Time to start new traditions. I am divorced from my daughter's father, and sad that we both have to share her on holidays. He gives Amelia to me every Thanksgiving, because he doesn't have family in town and so I guess doesn't feel like he could give Amelia much of a Thanksgiving. And for this I am grateful and sad. I am sad because we don't all get to be together for holidays. That we're not one big happy family, never divorced, not splitting apart our daughter. Something about the holidays reminds me of this difficult truth: that we are not a family anymore. At least not a family that is together.
Now I have my new family, and we are creating our new traditions. We now have scones on Thanksgiving, about noon. Amelia created this tradition, and it's a good one. This year we are having friends over for scones. We are- and by "we" I mean Jeff - will make Thanksgiving dinner, my brother will come over, and it will be "small and intimate". And I am so thankful for my family. And just hopefully, I won't be sad.

I have struggled with my mental health since I was 14 years old. i am now 32. Recently I graduated from a program called DBT (Dialectical Behavorial Therapy. Note: I am not Borderline nor never have been, just to get that out of the way). It is a behavioral therapy program that focuses on changing one's behavior and thoughts. It's a six month program where you go to individual therapy once a week and group therapy once a week. I graduated from the group therapy, though i will continue individual for a little while longer.
At graduation we were all told to say something nice about everyone else. If you're uncomfortable being put on the spot like me, it's not a fun situation. However, I was so grateful to be there, with these other people, graduating from this program, that it wasn't so bad. But there was one comment that stuck out and I've been thinking about it ever since.
One man in the group turned to me (I was sitting on his right) when it was my turn in the hot seat. He said "Usually you can tell why people are here. I have never been able to understand what you're doing here".
That was so strangely validating to me. Let me try to explain. I view myself as crazy. Others typically do not. Perception is reality one could argue. He couldn't perceive why I would need to be in a program like that. And something in me clicked into place. i DON'T need to be in that program. I'm done. Maybe I needed to be in the program, maybe I didn't, but all I know is I am done and I have got it. I understand HOW TO BE HAPPY. i have learned. But it is difficult to put into words what I have learned. I guess I have learned to think positively about myself, how to be nice and loving to myself. I have learned to make better choices. I have learned how to think before acting, how to not be REactive, how to be "mindful" and non judgemental. i have learned how to be open to the world around me.

I am sitting at the kitchen table with Jeff, Audrey and Amelia. Jeff is helping Audrey with her homework. Homework that is so difficult that her 42 year old educated father has to look up information on google in order to make sense of the STUPID FUCKING ASININE DIRECTIONS that are on the homework assignment. It is apalling, honestly, the quality of homework they hand out these days. The directions rarely make any sense, even to adults trying their hardest to help their children (but how do you help your child with homework when you don't know WTF they're talking about?!?)
Amelia is working on her writing and occasionally shows me her work. She has written "I am Amelia" and "cat, dog, rat, sat" and a few other words. She is learning to read like crazy - she can usually read more than half of her bedtime stories to me!

I am not as neat as I wish I was nor as neat as I like to believe I am. I have so much guilt about not "keeping a neat home" I've lost all perspective on what that means. I find myself launching into monologues in my head: "It's not that bad, I've seen so much worse, there's no food lying around, things are mostly in their place, everyone has dust bunnies and a layer of dust everywhere" and wondering "do other people struggle with this too but end up doing ok in the end?", like I know we do.
Mostly, instead of getting up and doing any of the many household chores that could be done, I sit on this computer and procrastinate and avoid responsibilities and realities. Effective short term strategy to coverup and reduce guilt and responsibilities, but shame-inducing in the long run.
So I did a load of laundry! I'm on my way!

Dear Amelia and Audrey,

Right now, at ages 5 and 10, you are both very much into the game of school. You spend hours playing school, and love it when others (Bev, me, Jeff, James, ANYONE) help out. Amelia, you are learning a lot about spelling, math, science, and art. It is like you go to school during the day and comes home and have more "school" until dinner time. You two can't get enough of it.

It is amazing what you have learned, Amelia, in real school and in pretend school. You know so much math and can figure out how to add numbers in your head. Nightly, during "snuggle time" we "play math" where I ask you to add two numbers. You now understand the concept of adding numbers together rather than rotely regurgitating math you have memorized. Such as 4 + 4. you know understand that if you have four of one thing and four of another thing you now have eight if you add them together. You understand the concept of what adding means. I am very proud of you.

Audrey, your math skills have grown as well. You have gotten really good at long division. You still love Science, and the other day you went to Whitaker Ponds on a field trip with school. You guys tested the PH and oxygen levels of the pond and caught water bugs. You love to sing, and you have a beautiful voice.

You are both social in school, and enjoy being there. Although lately, Amelia, you have begun to complain about getting up in the morning, which I think is cute.

Amelia, you have recently mastered the art of the Monkey Bars. You can make it all the way across and I am very proud of you! Also, you can now swim and blow bubbles with bubble gum.

You seem to adore each other.

I got a little carried away this weekend with the amount of pictures I posted. I am aware that they take awhile to open, and that can be annoying. Please be patient with me as I learn how to save pictures as web-friendly so they will open quicker and smaller.

Something I've been thinking about lately is the difference between doing things for yourself and your own approval, and doing those things for others' approval. I have been focused for much of my life on doing just enough to get by and to get approval from others. Not focused on being my "best" (whatever that is), instead focused on making sure I'm doing nothing wrong and getting others' ok. There is a difference; I recently realized at the age of 32 this distinction. It came from realizing that I do already have others' "approval", whatever that means. And at the same time realizing that others' approval does not matter. What really matters is having your own approval. If I want to be my best, reach "self actualization", I have to do it because I want it. That is the only way it will begin to happen.

Self-actualized people:

• They embrace the facts and realities of the world (including themselves) rather than denying or avoiding them.
• They are spontaneous in their ideas and actions.
• They are creative.
• They are interested in solving problems; this often includes the problems of others. Solving these problems is often a key focus in their lives.
• They feel a closeness to other people, and generally appreciate life.
• They have a system of morality that is fully internalized and independent of external authority.
• They have discernment and are able to view all things in an objective manner

Who wouldn't want that?
Have a good day all.
B

I am sitting on the couch and it is 2:48. Daylight savings time just ended, thank god, because today i get an extra one hour of free time. My youngest daughter is with her dad and i am briefly freewheeling. Freewheeling is the term my cousin coined to mean without-kids.
My cat is by my side, looking out the window waiting for the next squirrel.
I was thinking this blog, this online journal, is largely for my kids. This thought occurred to me this morning when I was posting pictures of my kids. (I need to get more current ones. They both have shorter hair now. The picture of them in front of the blue wall was taken last April. Anyway, I want them to be able to read this when they are grown up and ready. Which is why I am announcing this blog will be a kind blog: 

1) I will never intentionally hurt other people, whether I know them or not, whether they blog or not, whether they're celebrities or not, either through my words or my images. It's just not my style; and

2) I hope that by the time you've clicked away from my site, I've helped in some way to make your day just a little bit better.

I stole that declaration from this page right here.

This may be a place where I "bitch" occasionally, complain, vent. But I will still be kind to others as I blog. Oh, but swear words will be occasionally seen on my site. So, I may not be a true "kind blog" but I stole the parts from it that I liked and I'm still keeping mysel true.

So this is for you kids. I hope you enjoy it.
And it is for me too.

And it doesn't mean I won't delete posts when it comes time for them to read it......



Here's a picture from Halloween of Amelia and her dad.

Today i saw my friend Joan. Here we are in a picture taken by my youngest daughter.


Joan and I go way, way back. We have been friends since the 1st grade. We've had countless slumber parties, bike rides, and skaterboy-gawking times together. We have gone for periods of time without seeing each other. Since high school we have often drifted apart. But we always find each other again, eventually. And we will always love each other. It was great seeing her.

This past year has been full of reconnections. Recently my friend Nikole found me on Myspace. OMG I love this girl. I wish I had a picture to post. Soon. Did I mention I love this girl? She is so very wonderful. You know the kind of friend: you understand each other without trying; you love each other unconditionally; you lift each other up; you're soul mates.  

Nikole gave me this book. I highly recommend it. It is about they different kinds of friendships. Our old friends, our new friends, our IM friends, our soul mate friends. I feel lucky to have all kinds of friends!