I tried to run on Saturday and I couldn't. Either my brain got to me and I couldn't push through it, or it's a good thing i stopped because my legs were in a lot of pain. I tried to run again yesterday and my legs throbbed again. Now i'm so afraid that I am giving up, which is something I am trying to stop doing. Giving up giving up.

Still no smoking. Running has been getting easier each time; little or no shin splints, no sucking wind, and i have been learning how to have will power, with both quitting smoking AND running: the discipline to go on even when it hurts, even when your brain tells you "C'mon, just walk awhile..."

I quit smoking the day I began training for the Portland Marathon. That was the day of Amelia's Birthday party, April 26th. I had a cigarette on my way to run 7 miles at 7:35 on a beautiful spring morning. Haven't touched a cigarette since. That first run was so painful. I felt like my lungs were starving, which they were. Starving for air. It just became so clear to me. The choice is run or smoke, you can't have both. I chose run.

I'm using the patch, which is helping with the nicotine withdrawal. The smoking patterns I have been breaking all on my own, with sheer will power (didn't know i had any - how cool to see that i do). Sometimes I still want a cigarette, like after a tough class, or after I eat. But I can make it through it, and I haven't been seriously tempted at all. There have been very brief periods of me wanting to kill someone (the nicotine cravings - you ex-smokers out there will understand what I'm talking about). But they don't last and I make it through it. I wouldn't start this process over for the world. I will never touch another cigarette again. I can say that with cofidence. Because now, I am a runner. Runners don't smoke. Smokers don't run. Not successfully. And I'm ready to run successfully.

Running takes strength, cardiovascular health, and patience. A lot of patience. I have the strength, I am getting the cardio, and I am working on the patience.

I am going to run a marathon in October. I'm ready to see what this body can do.